Thursday, April 23, 2009

When eyes meet

It was the first time I met my mother since I returned to the Philippines. I wasn’t a bit nervous, just worried that her eyes might betray feelings contrary to her supportive words in her media interviews. After all, our eyes are the mouthpiece of our souls, of our intentions, of what is behind every utterance, of what beats beneath our skin. But feelings of worry aside, I was very excited to see her and for her to see BB, the daughter she always had.

So on 14 April the doors of our house in Parañaque opened to me. No words were needed. No explanations were demanded. No lips pursed. No facial lines twitched to reveal any sign of rejection. Our eyes did most of the talking. Right in front of me was just my mother’s opened heart radiating through her gentle smile. I saw in her eyes that she saw what my eyes have seen. And I have affirmed at that moment what I’ve always known: Her love has not staled. Suddenly the walls that are used to be between us transformed into bridges.

Then Richie, my youngest sibling, joined us. Richie and I grew up together; I even used to accompany her in her dance classes. It became the focus of the reminiscing we did all afternoon. Mama even narrated, even reenacted, how Richie struggled to dance tahitian with her stiff body. Now, I’m the one taking dance classes – not Tahitian though but ballet. My mother then encouraged me to just study in a nearby dance studio as they have a handsome dance instructor. It made us all laugh!

Unfortunately, my next appointment was already calling me. I then retouched my makeup; I did it in front of them. It was the first time they have seen me doing it. I didn’t plan to but the warmth I felt between us melted any fear within me to hide myself. Mama and Richie were just there watching me smear blush on my face and gloss my lips. Mama even asked what blush on I was using as she found it really good and natural. I told her it’s Shu Uemura. Time then ticked the last minutes of our meeting. But before I left, Mama borrowed my sunglasses and fitted them. Richie joked Mama looked like a bumblebee on it. Laughter punctuated our goodbye.

I left with a familiar joy in my heart. The joy I had felt the first time my heart opened its windows to the refreshing breeze of first love. The joy I always feel whenever I meet people who look beyond the image; under their gaze, one is like a fish that swims with playfulness and rapturous abandon. It is the joy that speaks when we just share time with someone: the tenderness of being there just to be there. It is the joy that is born whenever we share the same space with someone not as two separate individuals but as two intertwined souls. And this joy is one of those moments when ‘Life is Beautiful’ suddenly leaves the realm of cliché and enters the realm of the world from where the freshness of every great poem comes.

18 comments:

  1. Happy for you BB! <3

    The most wonderful feeling ever is when you're mother finally accepts you for who you are. It is just the best feeling!

    Enough to thank the Lord every single day of your life. (:

    Good luck and stay happy! :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow what a wonderful moment...so precious and hearthwarming...I hope all your love ones will open their arms to you BB...stay happy and positive...

    ReplyDelete
  3. i love u bibi! wag kang gagaya sa ibang bading na bading na nga wala pang breeding! thank god ur not like dem! very finesse ka at smart at knows how to respect other people kaya you do deserve to be respected toO! i love you stay pretty and HOTT!!! :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. You don't me to tell you this, but I'll say it anyway...your mama rules. As in!

    Ain't no one going to keep you down, no way - not with the knowledge that your mama loves you just as you are (in addition to your many other gifts, spiritual and otherwise). Go you!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Well done, well said...

    ReplyDelete
  6. this piece made me teary-eyed bb... suddenly, i miss my mom!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so happy to know that...what a wonderful feeling truly it was...

    ReplyDelete
  8. that's good. love your prose! you write so well. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh my god, i was a bit teary eyed while reading this piece.

    I am very happy for u!

    What really matters after all is youre happy and you never step on anyone's shoes!

    My gayest hugs for BB!

    ReplyDelete
  10. So happy for you.. I hope my family can accept me the sae way they accepted you.. Me and my lesbian partner for 8 years and our kid... Goodluck and keep posting

    ReplyDelete
  11. BB..I am a mother...and always, mothers want their children to be happy...Your mother knows you are happy now and so she is knowing it.

    My gosh, I miss my children...I am so touched with how you express yourself. Only if all people were like you...wala sanang gulo...lahat masaya di ba?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am very pleased to hear that you and your mom are ok. I am married to a JW and I know of their rules and governing dogma's like being shunned away and disfellowed (and also not being talked to nor approached by evryone as ordered by the leders.)

    My wife is still active in her faith but i have still remained in mine (i am protestant), and although i accompany her and try to be supportive of her faith, I understand the watchful eye they have placed on me and my better half..like waiting for a major mistake to happen much to their delight so they can say, I told you so.

    Although i think these rules are too harsh sometimes, I feel for the families who have to endure this, let alone the person who is handed down the verdict to.

    I am happy for your renewed vigor in life and hope that others will find inspiration in what you have done (JW or not).

    ReplyDelete
  13. You inspired and continue to inspire us all to embrace our real selves. You, amidst all the lights, glamour and fame that you once had as Rustom, braved the world by exposing your naked heart.

    You made us, who fear rejection and being discriminated for who we are, face the world with strength and courage.

    Thank you for being you.

    Thank God for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Aw. I'm happy for you bibi!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. liv_urlife@yahoo.comApril 28, 2009 at 4:55 PM

    hi bibi,

    I know it will come, ... the acceptance. I can feel what your mother feels. I am also a mother of a very beautiful "daughter " like you. And "she" already met you in one of your Strap meeting - andre is the name.

    I am so happy for you. Just be yourself. And be the face of all the transgenders in our country. I love you!!! my child. Liv
    liv_urlife@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi there ate Bebe!

    hope it's okay to call you ate! i'm the one you met at Nadine's party - Andreia (the one who also danced with Sass, hope you remember.. I just wanna tell you that you are such an inspiration. I was really happy to meet you.
    You're radiance infected me and the whole surrounding. THAT SMILE! That was the first impression i got. so happy. I really can empathize your happiness, most especially upon reading this. i am happy for you and your family.
    Always smile ate! :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. moms always love their children for whoever they are.. you are so blessed to have a mom like her.. and a sister who is very accepting too.. :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. wow it took you how many months or weeks to se your mom?were you afraid at first that why it took you long to visit her?

    but im glad everything went well,what about your other siblings?did you see all of them already?

    ReplyDelete